Listen, I’m the first to avoid men’s restrooms, they’re vile places of imprecision and lawlessness, basically the wild west of sewage. You guys they don’t even close the stall doors? I digress.
HOWEVER, and this is a big however, anyone who has been to any festival/sporting event/ _________ the lines to a women’s restroom are generally multiple bladders long, if you wish to drink any beverage whatsoever you either, A) Spend the whole event running between drink and bathroom lines, missing the entire event without catching a buzz or, B) Stand and pee and get on with your goddamned life.
But wait! I have the precision of a lawn sprinkler, you say. No problem you silly woman whom I love and respect, get yourself a Go Girl and get to going. Simply unbutton your pants and cup the latex funnel to your vag and start practicing writing your name in the snow/ mud behind the Porta Pottys. Girl get ‘em.
I don’t always use a strap, but when I do, I don’t want it to feel like an Ikea project.
Traditional harnesses are the least sexy parts of lesbian sex. Putting them on can often require engineering classes and feels more like rock climbing or stunt work (at least in in my bed it is, heyyooo) and can be a mood killer just when things are about to get real.
Enter rodeoH, a company that makes underwear that double as a harness for sex toy use. The undies come in an array of styles and patterns so there is something for everyone’s comfort level, from a lacy backless pair to bike short length boxer briefs. They remain snug without pinching and hold toys or packers securely no matter how enthusiastic you get while wearing them.
I know what you’re thinking, prophylactics for lesbians!? Wasteful. But you think wrong dear friend, because they’re an awesome way to keep toys clean, especially when switching between partners and or (no judgement) orifices. Plus, a little extra lubrication is always welcome.
You COULD buy them…
Or you could attend your local gay pride festivities and acquire enough free condoms from various organizations to last you months.
(donate to help support Planned Parenthood here)
Show yourself (and others) some love!
Forget about batteries friend for real though, how many times have you been there, climbing ever closer to the pinnacle of pleasure when bzzzzzzzz…zzz… silence. The devil is a lie and so is a battery that just keeps going. That pink rabbit percussionist has a lot of disappointed women to answer for.
Meet JimmyJane, elegantly made sex toys that keep Big Battery out of your bedroom. Or bathtub, they’re 100% waterproof. The toys come in various shapes and sizes and feature dual motors to really put some color in your cheeks.
Trim style razor
Far be it from me to tell a women how/ if to shave what. However, if you’re looking to up your as far as personal grooming goes, this little beauty changes the game. Schick’s shower friendly Trimstyle razor has both a traditional end and an adjustable trimmer/ edger on the other. Gone are the days of all or nothing, feel free to get creative because strips and triangles are things of the past.
Oh you haven’t heard about that lightning bolt? That Christmas tree merry Christmas wifey? Even the classic valentine is a refreshing switch up.
Whether you’re a #dapperdyke or a posh Lipstick Lez or a sweet middle ground chances are you like a few aspects of men’s clothing (USABLE pockets, full butt crack coverage amiriete?)
Maybe Bette Porter was modeled after your successful gay ass or your last name is DeGeneres and you can afford to shop exclusively at Wildfang or Tomboy but if you’re the majority of us, that isn’t your situation. Shopping online is difficult because mens clothing is hard to size for women. Online retailer JackThreads has a massive selection of curated men’s clothing on a budget with some pretty sweet perks.
JackThreads Tryouts allow you to try more daring looks or order multiple sizes of items and have them all delivered to your door free of charge. Try it all on, keep what you like, and send the rest back in the provided packaging through your nearest UPS agent. So don’t worry about about trying out a new look or what exactly slim fit means, order multiple and send back what doesn’t fit. Tryouts are not for wearing about the town or anything but the selection and prices make it/ them favorable to most mall retailers and still with the zero human interaction factor. Any day I can avoid the soul sucking lighting of a fitting room in favor of my bedroom is a #blessed one and I think we can all agree on that.