8 signs your local Italian food place isn’t legit

Let’s face it, Italian food is the most delicious kind of food in the world. However, like many great food cultures, it has been diluted and contaminated over the years. I’m looking at you, Olive Garden. Here are 8 sure marks of an imposer purveyor of everyone’s favorite dining option.

1. Breadstickless tables

Italians are bout that bread life. Fresh baked bread and olive oil or thin crispy sticks that adorn the table in bouquets, either will do.

2. Diavola pizza with sausage and peppers

This is just ridiculous, the abominable Guido of pizzas. I was served this once in Florida and did a double take. Where am I, the Jersey Shore? Unfuck yourselves, please.

3. Pre-sliced pizza

Pull it together and eat your pizza as Mamma Italia intended, with a knife and fork! Heathens. And don’t even think about pulling a New Yorker and eating on the streets while walking!

4. Meatballs the size of your face

Why do Americans think one bowling ball sized slab of meat is better than several smaller, more manageable portions? Is it just the love of meatloaf running over and tainting other food forms? Whatever it is, stop it, please. Bigger is not always better.

5. Chicken-mother-fucking-parm

I’ll admit, this shit is tasty. In Italy a parmigiana is always eggplant. Still tasty, just different. Good job America.

But don’t get ahead of yourselves, because the next one is positively immoral. Shame on you, America.

6. Cream in the carbonara

This is one of the most grievous crimes against the motherland. Why would anyone befoul perfectly good pasta like this? Carbonara should only have 4 things in it. Pancetta, egg yolk, pepper, and Pecorino Romano. It’s perfection is in it’s creamy salty simplicity.

7. Rushing the check

Italians are not exactly known for their expedient behavior. Rushing the service or check is considered extremely rude in the motherland. So take your time, friend! Have another glass of wine, you deserve it.

8. Shredded Mozzerella

If the mozzarella doesn’t come in ball form in a brine you’re basically just eating sawdust.

Now that you’ve been properly educated, go forth and mangia bene amici!