Everyday Essentials for the Modern Lesbian

GoGirl

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@GoGirl instagram

Listen, I’m the first to avoid men’s restrooms, they’re vile places of imprecision and lawlessness, basically the wild west of sewage. You guys they don’t even close the stall doors? I digress.

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, anyone who has been to any festival/sporting event/ _________ the lines to a women’s restroom are generally multiple bladders long, if you wish to drink any beverage whatsoever you either, A) Spend the whole event running between drink and bathroom lines, missing the entire event without catching a buzz or, B) Stand and pee and get on with your goddamned life.

But wait! I have the precision of a lawn sprinkler, you say. No problem you silly woman whom I love and respect, get yourself a Go Girl and get to going. Simply unbutton your pants and cup the latex funnel to your vag and start practicing writing your name in the snow/ mud behind the Porta Pottys. Girl get ‘em.

Rodeoh

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@Rodeoh instagram

I don’t always use a strap, but when I do, I don’t want it to feel like an Ikea project.   

Traditional harnesses are the least sexy parts of lesbian sex. Putting them on can often require engineering classes and feels more like rock climbing or stunt work (at least in in my bed it is, heyyooo) and can be a mood killer just when things are about to get real.

Enter rodeoH, a company that makes underwear that double as a harness for sex toy use. The undies come in an array of styles and patterns so there is something for everyone’s comfort level, from a lacy backless pair to bike short length boxer briefs. They remain snug without pinching and hold toys or packers securely no matter how enthusiastic you get while wearing them.

Condoms

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@MarleyCarlyle instagram

I know what you’re thinking, prophylactics for lesbians!? Wasteful. But you think wrong dear friend, because they’re an awesome way to keep toys clean, especially when switching between partners and or (no judgement) orifices. Plus, a little extra lubrication is always welcome.

You COULD buy them…

Or you could attend your local gay pride festivities and acquire enough free condoms from various organizations to last you months.

(donate to help support Planned Parenthood here)

JimmyJane

Show yourself (and others) some love!

Forget about batteries friend for real though, how many times have you been there, climbing ever closer to the pinnacle of pleasure when bzzzzzzzz…zzz… silence. The devil is a lie and so is a battery that just keeps going. That pink rabbit percussionist  has a lot of disappointed women to answer for.

Meet JimmyJane, elegantly made sex toys that keep Big Battery out of your bedroom. Or bathtub, they’re 100% waterproof. The toys come in various shapes and sizes and feature dual motors to really put some color in your cheeks.

Trim style razor

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@beautyheaven instagram

Far be it from me to tell a women how/ if to shave what. However,  if you’re looking to up your  as far as personal grooming goes, this little beauty changes the game. Schick’s shower friendly Trimstyle razor has both a traditional end and an adjustable trimmer/ edger on the other. Gone are the days of all or nothing, feel free to get creative because strips and triangles are things of the past.

Oh you haven’t heard about that lightning bolt? That Christmas tree merry Christmas wifey? Even the classic valentine is a refreshing switch up.

JackThreads

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@JackThreads instagram

Whether you’re a #dapperdyke or a posh Lipstick Lez or a sweet middle ground chances are you like a few aspects of men’s clothing (USABLE pockets, full butt crack coverage amiriete?)

Maybe Bette Porter was modeled after your successful gay ass or your last name is DeGeneres and you can afford to shop exclusively at Wildfang or Tomboy but if you’re the majority of us, that isn’t your situation. Shopping online is difficult because mens clothing is hard to size for women. Online retailer JackThreads has a massive selection of curated men’s clothing on a budget with some pretty sweet perks.

JackThreads Tryouts allow you to try more daring looks or order multiple sizes of items and have them all delivered to your door free of charge. Try it all on, keep what you like, and send the rest back in the provided packaging through your nearest UPS agent. So don’t worry about about trying out a new look or what exactly slim fit means, order multiple and send back what doesn’t fit. Tryouts are not for wearing about the town or anything but the selection and prices make it/ them favorable to most mall retailers and still with the zero human interaction factor. Any day I can avoid the soul sucking lighting of a fitting room in favor of my bedroom is a #blessed one and I think we can all agree on that.

Orlando

I know this is a food blog, but this honestly couldn’t be avoided.
It’s been just over a week since the Orlando LGBTQ club shooting took place, wounding over 100 and killing 50. A week ago I was at a vigil with thousands of others outside the Stonewall in NYC, a gay bar with a historic past of pride, protest, and pain. I, like many others, came to mourn and commune with my people, to find an outlet for my confusion, pain, and anger. Mostly anger. I’m over the whole indignation and surprise routine, it would be inauthentic in a country that sees such regular and daily gun violence. Kumbayah, hold hands, and cry/hug by the campfire. I can’t anymore, it’s an empty gesture. It’s embarrassing to mourn such a preventable atrocity publicly, like leaving the oven on and burning the whole neighborhood down.
It kinda feels false and contrived to cry over people I never knew personally, but I mourn them none the less. In such a tight knit group as the LGBTQ community, where years of persecution and oppression have bound us together tightly, I feel like I do know them and their suffering, their fears, their joys. Coming out as a young lesbian at 13 in a southern bible belt state was shitty. People were shitty. People ARE shitty. But between Modern Family and Ellen DeGeneres being so mainstream, I just must have drank the Koo-laid and believed that the age of homophobia and systemic abuse were in their dying hours. RIP, you motherfucker. Should I have opened my eyes, seen the never ending race fight, and known better, been wiser? Sure. Hindsight is 20/20 the grass is always greener and all that fucking nonsense.
It feels like we’ve come so far. I’m young for the equality fight, a privilaged millennial, so maybe since I wasn’t there for all of it my view of the struggle is more distorted than I realized. I know it was hard fought, but I unknowingly claimed a premature victory.  We’re not equal, we’re still others to the normal, tentatively allowed abominations at best.
I don’t think many straight people realize the unspoken recognition and brotherhood of the gay community. We look for each other on the streets, meeting each other with prolonged eye contact and head nods, desperate for the recognition of a fellow gay. If you’re a member of the community, you probably know. The secret glances, our silent screams pronouncing “yes, I too hold membership to the rainbow club that you also clearly are a card carrying member of. Yaas, Robyn is my bitch. All praise the plaid squad, born this way, amen.”
I’d love to say I feel cleansed or healed through communion with my gay brethren and our supporters but I’m not. I’d love to tell you how the worldwide out pour of support softened my heart and renewed my faith in humanity as a whole. But it didn’t. If anything I’m angrier, more resentful, borderline belligerent. Pugnacious. Maybe even hateful. I see the empty words of contrite politicians and acquaintances, grandiose statements meant to illicit permission or acceptance from the gay community to continue on with their thinly veiled homophobia sans guilt. “SORRY UR GAYZ DIED BUT UR ALL GOING 2 HELL SO… “
You can’t, as fucking Ted Cruz did, call LGBTQ rights leaders “jihadists” out to destroy the Christian way of life, and then offer your thoughts and prayers for homophobic hate crimes. You’re either all in with us or you’re a malicious enemy as far as I’m concerned. I’m all for gray area, but not in this instance, not again, not after my brothers and sisters were slaughtered en masse in a public place, a safe space created by fellow queers as a collective house of acceptance and pride.
Having love for those that hate me has never been a particular strong suit of mine, or for the history of this country for that matter. We’ve always been piss and vinegar types of girls, America and I, and this situation doesn’t lend itself to leniency.
No amount of social media borne thoughts or prayers will quell the angry pit of fire in my belly or offer any small salve for the burning pain in my mind. I know a week isn’t much time to heal from anything, but I just want to be clear, I’m not healing, I’m fucking livid.
And if you love us, should be too.